Dear KFC why do you hate America so much,

This is not a sandwich!

I highly doubt that this will be a long letter, mainly because I am so flabbergasted by the photos that I've seen of your new chicken "sandwich". And, since we don't actually know each other all that well I'm going to write to you as I would my dearest friends because quite frankly I think you need a Come to Jesus Meeting more than anything else right now.

Please understand that I have liked you for a long time but feel slightly betrayed by your indifference to our nations problems. We are all aware that our individual choices are ours to make and ours to pay for. But calling two fried chicken cutlets that have bacon, cheese, and a dressing sauce between them a sandwich is insane and asinine. When I saw photos of this monstrosity I gagged, it was an instinctive biological response to someones abuse of food. Your Double Down Sandwich is honestly a food version of Two Girls and a Cup.

America's been good to you. We have stuck by you when you took the rotisserie chicken off the menu even though it was a healthier and tastier option. We accepted it when you changed your name twice. We bought your mashed potato bowl even when it was obviously just a way for us to give up eating like humans with dignity. Most of us have turned our heads about the fact that your new "grilled" chicken is actually baked and that it has a nice rub down with oil to make it look better.

So, who thought that marketing this disgusting fried turd in a wrapper was a good idea? Why are you hiding it's calorie content? Which according to The Vancouver Sun is somewhere around 1,228. Why aren't you showcasing it on your website? Why aren't you proud of this black hole of a meal? And let's be honest, you couldn't make this anymore of a fat person trap if you had a big box, a stick, and a piece of string.

I know what you're going to say "But Kristy, this is a guys sandwich. You can tell we only think guys are interested in it because in our commercials we only have men showing other men how good the Double Down is". Well, I say to you that it doesn't matter that it's "a guy sandwich", because there are just as many fat men and men with health issues as women who don't need the chance to purchase a product like this. I have Googled it, I have Yahooed it, and I have Binged it and what I see is that it's mostly college age boys in Rhode Island and Nebraska who are eating it on a dare or to win a bet.

If I were a naive person I would ask you to take it off the menu and not introduce it to the rest of America but I know you won't. I know that this will probably spreed to the rest of the states like blood cancer and that some of my friends will wrap their lips around it, then complain that they are fat a few hours later. I know that you KFC are no Chik-fil-A and that I wouldn't even touch this if CfA made it. So, good luck KFC you are going to need it, because now you are going to have to deal with the disgust of the people who actually buy your products, not just PETA anymore.

Sincerly,

Kristy

p.s.

You're douche nozzles.

David's the redheaded step-child of the bridal industry.

Me trying on the gown I'm going to purchase.

I've been wanting to write a post about David's Bridal and it's bad reputation. I am actually David's neutral, neither a champion or a nemesis of the company. I'm just going to describe how the company works.
A lot of people compare DB to big box stores like Wal-Mart, Target, and K-mart. So, why don't we do the same?
Let's pick one.
Let's take Wal-Mart.
Here are some ways these two stores are similar:

• The floor sales people at David's have commission based pay, where at Wal-Mart the employees are paid a set amount of money and don't really have to interact with customers. I have actually had staff at Wal-Mart walk away from me as I was talking to them.



• The pay scale at David's goes like this: you will either be paid $7.25 to $7.75 an hour depending on the persons retail sales experience OR if you sell to your goal you will be 3% of your total sales for the month.



• Add to this really poor pay scale all of the Bridezilla's, Princess's, and Lookyloos and what happens is that the good people will quit and the people who don't care will hang around. But just like Wal-Mart the majority of the stores across the country are understaffed and not supported by it's management system. And this leads to the long waits.



• Employees at both stores have to deal with adults and children who like to scream.



• Both are retailers that offer items that people who are on the lower end of the income bracket can afford to purchase.



• Both have customers that may or may not smell like cheese. Although only one of them sells soap.

Okay so that last one was a bit catty. But I have measured people who smelled just like cheese, it's not pleasant. The best thing you need to have when shopping at either of these stores is patience. If relax and let the staff help you find what you are looking for or their closest thing to it you will be rewarded. My point about all of this that even though David's Bridal may not be Kleinfeld's, we still need to respect the people who work there and realize that you are shopping there too.

Adios y'all.

Woo-Hoo Wedding Stuff!

How sneaking do my eyes look?

This sparkling item is my first wedding purchase and I'm very excited about it. Erik and I had decided to try and not purchase anything that wasn't food or cleaning items for the entire month of August. It's really hard to do that, but we were doing well. Ten days ago I went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, now I know that a lot of people have a problem with Wal-Mart and honestly for a long time I didn't shop there either. But in this economy we've found that Wal-Mart is one of our best friends.

So, there I was taking a shortcut down the DIY party aisle and something caught my eye. There it was sitting among the glittery three inch plastic crowns and flower girl combs was this little guy. I was gobsmacked! It was so cute and pretty and smallish and exactly what I wanted! I was also excited because it looks just like a tiara that I've been drooling over on the David's Bridal website that is selling for $119.99. Of course I checked it to make sure that all of it's stones are secure and were all in attendance and that it wasn't tarnished. And I even checked the price at one of their little price scanners, it was $16.00. It was MINE! I even put it in the little cart seat so I could keep an eye on it as if some other bride would see it and attempt to snatch it away.

Let's think about the price for a second.

$16.00.

That's $103.99 less than one that looks exactly the same.

I even took it with me when I went to pick out bridesmaids dresses and my veil at DB this past Tuesday. I asked the girl who was helping me if I could use my tiara to get a better look and she said "Oh, yeah that's no problem" and she walked away to help another bride (I'm going to do another post about this because I know that this practice really bothers some people and there is a reason why it happens). When she came back I had my little find on and the veil I had decided was the one I wanted. She asked to see it and said "That is really pretty. Where'd you get that?" I smiled and told her where and how much it was and her eyes got huge and she said "Really?"

That's all for this one.

Grooms Syndrome at a picnic

The observation tower

The larger and cuter lodge

The smaller lodge

Since Erik and I are getting married in Akron, Ohio we need to have a party here in Iowa. I've been putting off even thinking about it because I don't really know anything about the area. It's also sad because I don't have a job which turns it into how inexpensively can we throw a good party for the people we love and not be eating ramen noodles for six months.

There is one other thing.

Erik hasn't been into anything wedding related. I call it Groom Syndrome (GS) and if you are wondering if your fella is suffering from it here are some helpful ways that you can diagnose it.

Ask for him to give you a rough estimate of how many people he will be inviting. If he doesn't flinch and simply says "I don't know", you have a GS sufferer.

Have him look at photos of cakes. Show him a few that you actually like and a few that you don't really care for, make sure that there are several different shapes (squares, rounds, ovals).

Chances are this is when he will give the first little glimmer that he is actually interested in the wedding. Cake does that to a lot of people.

Bring up the topic of his wedding attire. This is a big one. My suggestion is to just ask him what he wants to wear. If he sticks to the tried and true GS answer he will say "I don't know". He may not be aware that he actually has a choice, so lay all of the options out there for him: Tuxedo, Suit, the new White button down shirt and khaki pant look, or Board Shorts and a funky bowling shirt. But this is also one where you as the bride need to tell him a little about what you are wearing and let go a little bit. You do not have to control everything, your Groom is a grown man and he will make the proper decision for himself.

But how does this swing back around to spontaneous wedding planning? Well we went on a picnic don't ya know.

That was it. I love going outside when nothing is expected of me other than sitting in nature, you throw food into the mix and I'm a happy girl. So, picnicin' we went. The location fell on Erik's shoulders and the food on mine. He picked Pinicon Ridge Park, it's about twenty minuets from our apartment complex and is simply fantastic. There is a lake, camping facilities, cabins, lodges for functions (weddings), canoes and paddle boats for rent, and many other things for people to enjoy. It is a beautiful place.

As we were driving around trying to find a picnic spot, Erik offhandedly said that the park had areas you can rent and have weddings or receptions. Since I am up for anything that has to do with weddings I wanted to look around and see exactly what these places looked like. So, after we ate lunch and climbed seven and a half stories up an observation tower (do not do it in that order you will want to throw up) we went to look at the lodges. This was when Erik broke through his GS haze and I saw for the first time what I've been dreaming about for months.

Green and brown everywhere and two cute timber and stone lodges that we want to reserve. One is larger and has more flowers and grills. The other is smaller but has a volley ball court and horseshoe area. I like them both, Erik likes the lager one. So tomorrow I'm going to be calling to park service in Marion to ask about the rentals and nail down our party date.

And I'm out!

Keep on, keeping on.

*Warning: Adult Language Ahead*

A lot of people live with things that they are not very proud of. It could be a past choice that they made that didn't work out the way they wanted, a medical condition they don't want to discuss, or a habit they hide or can't break.

For me it's the wonderful wacky world of Depression. This sneaky Bastard runs rampant in my family like Al Gore trying to selling carbon credits at a Hummer dealership. Now some of us have started using anti-depressants and they work wonders for them. I am happy for these people, if you manage to go your entire day and not attempt to punch someone in the face, You Sir are a winner. I however am currently not able to go to a doctor to get a magical prescription because I don't have health insurance; so if I'm not crying, I'm pushing down the urge yell at my neighbors for being..........neighbors.

But there is also a problem that taunts most of us, the dreaded evil little monkey called Side Effects. If there is even a chance that something other than the ideal outcome of a medication is possible, it's going to happen in my family. Let me give you a sampling of some of the shenanigans that have happen over the years of pill popping in our little clan.

• 1985: My mother had some dental work done and was prescribed Percocet. A hour after taking the first one she was on the phone with a friend when she noticed a small hole in our dining room where she had been sweeping. The hole, no bigger than a dime, had been left when the cable guy had drilled in the wrong place to run some wire. As the conversation went on she noticed that the hole was getting bigger and bigger, after fifteen minuets she saw what looked like a giant dog's nose peeking through the hole which was still getting larger. After twenty minuets a snout was coming through the hole. This went on and on until Mom asked her friend if they could "Please hold while I beat this giant bear out of my house". Thus commenced ten minuets of watching my twenty-nine year old mother beat the wall of our dinning room with a corn husk broom. Hallucinations, check.


• 1997: Uncle H. has heart surgery, pain medication of the VA's choice, Morphine. What a ride! We would visit him every single day and every single day he would beg one of us not to leave because "the nurses are planning to steal my organs and sell them to the Chinese". Auditory Hallucinations, check.


• 1995: Grandmother is dying, there is no way to sugarcoat it, she is simply dying. She's in pain and the doctors have prescribed a cocktail of medications to keep her comfortable. She has developed a belief that she is living in an episode of Gunsmoke.


• 1998: Mom is officially depressed and the antidepressant of the day is Zoloft. She is suddenly not sad anymore, however she is now verbally abusive and critical of everything. She no longer laughs. My wonderful parent is now an After School Special villain. We flush the Zoloft.


• 1992: Aunt J. is put on Redux, the new be-all end-all weight loss pill. After six months of perfectly following the pill routine and the lower calorie diet that was prescribed with the medication, Aunt J. has lost FIVE pounds. A person on this treatment plan should have lost Eighty.

Now I know that there are ways to naturally fight off depression and raise your serotonin level, like exercising. It sounds simple, right? But what if you are so paralyzed by the depression that you can't leave the house? Roughly ninety percent of the time I am terrified of leaving our apartment, I still do but it fucking scares me. I could say that I'm going to grab this thing by the balls and run until I'm well, but I would be a liar. Honestly all I can do wake up every morning and if I manage that it still a good day. If I leave the house it's a better day. If I go for a walk it a fanfuckingtastic day!

So, there you go.

ps

I have no idea why two words in this post are yellow. I guess they are the zazziest words at the party.