Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Post Below

The short story below was written in 2006 during a time that I was having some internal conflicts in my brain. It's not meant to influence anyone in anyway, nor is it intended to be any good.


Chatting with Satan (very short story from 2006)

When you wake up in the morning you never think you are going to have a life altering event, but sometimes it happens. So, here I sit in one of the best Mexican restaurants in Nashville across the table from Him. He's not what you expect. Well , he is a little what I imagined him to be, but without the three mulatto women singing "Hush Yo mouth" whenever you say his name. Oh, and He isn't wearing the deep purple suit , or the yellow hat with the purple feather in it, or the white mink trench coat that I always thought he would. That's right I thought the Devil was a cross between Shaft and Huggy Bear.

My disappointment aside, I was completely impressed with the creature I was having dinner with. There is something to be said about a relaxing meal with a……okay well I don't really know what to call him. He looks like perfection, which in a way he is and that makes it extremely easy to be around him, because there is absolutely no sexual tension. As our waitress said he looks like "a mixture of Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, and Rodrigo Santoro, in a body like Michael Jordan". Needless to say, we are getting incredible service.

"It's good to be King" ,he says as our waitress walks away for the fifth time in fifteen minuets. "I love this place. Every time I come to town I have to come here at least seven times."

"I would think that you would be a steakhouse kind of guy", I said "Oh and nice History of the World reference, by the way".

"I knew you were a smart one. I hate when I pick a monkey to talk to and they are so, so , so stupid. You have no possible way to understand how annoying that is." He took a sip of his soda, "Our food is coming."

"What? How do you know that? Can you smell it?" I can't help it, I'm full of questions and fire them off at him rapidly.

He laughed and shook his head, "No. Well I could, but I just heard 'Miss Thang' tell the cook that she needed our food 'like now!'" He started moving a little, well actually he was moving a lot, fingers tapping on the rim of his glass, shoulder twitching, and his leg was shaking under the table.

I noticed something at that moment, Lucifer is a fidget. "Do you have a nervous problem or are you strung out on meth" I asked?

"No, I'm just really hungry. And you had best watch your tone Monkey, I am not one to be teased." To prove his point his eyes flashed red, apparently he was being menacing.

It was my turn to laugh, I had been teasing him all day long and he hadn't minded a bit. You would think that the Devil would be serious, not so jovial. One thing I can give him, he didn't hide very much. He knew he dominated every room he walked into, that every eye turned to look at him. Most of the time desire wasn't what was showing in their faces. Men and women a like disdained him simply by his appearance. When they would eventually see me, faces would ease slightly but never fully. And knowing that he couldn't hide, I suppose was the reason he wasn't as stiff as you would think he would be.

"Here you go," the waitress said as she laid our food on the table. She was a pretty girl, no taller than five foot five, a little too much makeup, and way too much boob popping out. "I hope everything is great, Sir. If you need anything else just let me know, okay?" She was staring at him so intently it's a wonder his hair didn't catch fire, and he was staring at the three burritos covered in cheese sauce that was in front of him.

"Thank you, I think he's gone deaf Hon." I had to say something or she would have stood there all night long burrowing into his hair with her eyes. She turned toward me as if I had just stolen her man, clicked her tongue, and walked away.

"Alright, she is so not getting a tip."

"Hmmm? What are you talking about Monkey, we aren't paying." He was still looking at his food, totally enraptured.

"Why didn't you answer her? She was going to stand there all damn night waiting for you to look at her again."

"I was hoping she would get that I wasn't interested and walk away. I don't like eating in front of things I don't know, they get tend to get nervous."

"Nervous about what? That you like cheese."

Earlier I had witnessed his eating methods, yes they were odd, but what can you do about things you can't control? At least Luc has the ability to become invisible, I could still see him however. Other people would get freaked out if they saw some huge guy eat like a cave man with his hands, shoveling food into his mouth. They would just think he had no manners and was simply rude. Well, that and he grows fangs and his eyes stay red. But other than that he is a wonderful dining companion.

"Is it alright if I eat with my fingers too?"

He was tearing one of the tortillas apart, paused to look at me, then shoved a third of a burrito into my mouth wiping his fingers on my face.

"Ewwww! Oo bibin hap to boo at!" I said around the burrito carnage and wiping the cheese off my face.

"Don't talk with your mouth full Monkey" he chuckled as he tucked back into his food. "You look funny with your face mushed up like that. Oh, don't pout, I don't care how you eat just don't interrupt me again."

"Okay." And with that I tucked into my food and ate for the first time in my life like an animal, and it was fabulous. Just tearing and licking and chewing. I felt a bit like dingo, but it was fun nonetheless. It was freeing and just a bit wild.

Several minuets later and his plates clean he started to relax. "I got thrown out of a movie once" he said. "I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong. You know freedom of speech and all of that, but that didn't help." A grin was spreading across his face.

"What were you doing?"

"Laughing" he said still grinning.

That didn't sound right. "What were you laughing at?"

"The Passion of the Christ."

"Holy shit," I said right before I busted out laughing.



"It was just too ridiculous. And what I don't really appreciate was a woman being cast as me. Oh, and what the fuck was up with that mutant midget baby thing she was carrying around during the scourging scene! I don't care what kind of bullshit excuse Mel Gibson has they didn't have to use a woman. ". He was going on about The Passion of the Christ. It had been two hours and Luc was still venting. "And I have never liked that guy anyway. Who does he think he is making movies that are over two and a half hours long? 'Oooo, 'I'm Mel Gibson and I'm such a great film maker that I can’t cut anything out of my movies.' Man I hate that guy, he's such a dick."

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I didn't know Easter was a religious holiday until I was 24

I grew up in an unconventional way. My mother was a single parent in the late seventies when it was extremely uncommon and looked down upon. I was a very lucky child in that she had several brothers that at various times took over the co-parenting that would have been done by my father. Not that they were the most responsible of adults at that time, but they gave me the supervision that I needed and let me make a lot of my own choices that would have been dictated by an actual parent. My uncles introduced me to many things like storytelling, science, Greek myth, music, art, cooking, horror movies, and British history just to list a few.
But the very best thing that my mother and my uncles ever did was to keep religion out of my life. I know that it sounds harsh to some people and may even insult others. I think it may even upset my mother, however it's the truth. Now, there were times when my family attempted to introduce me to religion. I went to church with my aunt's family a few times and even attended one night of vacation bible school when I was six or seven. However those few visits to church rolled off of me because I was too little to understand it and because of that I didn't care to go back. A lot of parents would have sent their kids back, but not my mom. She knew that if she forced me to do anything I didn't want to she would be met with a solid wall of "I'm not doing that". Hell when I was four and she told me that I was going to be going to Head Start, I countered her statement with an offer. I would go to school only if she promised me that I would be home every day in time for Scooby-Doo. I can't imagine what I would have done if I had been forced back to church, I highly doubt it would have been good.
The closest I ever got to religion were my books on Greek and Roman myth that I got at our RIF Fair's when I was in the fourth grade. I loved those books and my uncle Jack would discuss them with me from time to time. We didn't know that I was in the middle of my reasoning development, which depending on your source, is the ages from seven to nine when children begin to understand what a conscience is and what morality is. It's no coincidence that it's around the age of nine that the Catholic church calls The Age of Discretion which is the time when children become responsible for their actions and must account for their "Sins". Basically it's this time in our lives as humans we are starting to develop our understanding of how to behave and the repercussions of our actions.
My age of understanding wasn't interrupted by an imaginary being that lived on a cloud. I was taught right from wrong, I was taught to be good to people, I was taught how to think for myself and to make my own choices.
I wish that I could say that I stayed that strong, but I didn't. I saw Mel Gibson's the Passion of the Christ in 2004 and the next day I bought my first bible. When I was twenty-eight I started attending a Nazarene church. I loved going because I really liked the people who attended it, I even liked the Sunday school. I liked the sense of community that I got when I would attend and eventually I was baptized. I wanted so badly to fit into that group of people that I let go of all of my beliefs. I declared myself a Republican and a Nazarene, but inside my head my brain was screaming "YOU ARE AN APE! YOU BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION!". I was doing all of those things because I was lonely and wanted to fit in with any group of people. Chances are if I had been asked to, I would've joined the Black Panther's.
I secretly started to pull myself away from that church and re-embraced the person I had always been. And I realized that The Passion of the Christ upset me so much because I couldn't understand how anyone could be so cruel to another person, even if it was two thousand years ago. I began a friendship with a funny and cute man in Iowa who also believed in evolution and was an atheist. Eventually our relationship developed into love, I moved to Iowa, and we are now married.
Last night I followed a link on a blog to a website by the Richard Dawkins Foundation that is prompting all Atheist and Agnostics to come out of the closet. I hadn't realized that three years ago I had gone into one. So, here I am thirty-one years old having lived most of my life as an Atheist "coming out".

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I should never, ever, ever take drugs.

Yesterday after going on a much needed picnic with my husband, we came home and took naps. Naps are great when you sleep for about thirty minuets, longer than that and you are just flat out sleeping in the middle of the day. We snuggled down around 4:45/5:00 p.m. and didn't wake up for over three hours. We felt a ton better but were worried about when we would fall asleep for the night. Around 1:30 last night I was starting to feel like laying in our cozy bed was a good idea but knew that there was no way I would fall asleep before 5:00am. So, I asked Erik if I could take one of his 10mg Ambiens, he said sure and that it was probably a good idea. After taking that tiny pill I went to sign off of my Facebook page, but I felt the need to do an update post. And this is what I posted:

  1. The house smells like Christmas, I've had a bath, and it's cool in our room. As soon as I sign out The Venture Bros. go in the dvd drive and sooth me to sleep with their adventures with Brock Sampson and the rest of the gang. Did I mention that I took one of Erik's ambien about fifteen minuets ago? I'm sleepy-weepy. I hope it's still Christmas tomorrow. I really like Christmas.
  2. Jesus was a cool guy. I bet he would have liked to knit and have picnics. He would sit on his front porch knitting scarves for all of the kids in the neighbor hood while he ate falafel's in pita bread, wearing Brikenstocks, and saying "How's it goin'?" to everyone that walked down his street. I want to be his neighbor, we would grow herb gardens and he would build one of those tomato hang things for us all to use, and he would teach me how to eat vegan and not to feel bad if I had a steak "Because life's about learning" he'd say.

And that children is way Auntie Kristy should never do drugs.


Sunday, February 28, 2010

Farewell Sarah, Hello Sarah

During my wedding phase I was in love with a particular blog. It was a mecca for me in that it didn't focus on what you should have for your wedding but on the fun ways to make your wedding fit your life and not go into crazy debt. So, it's with a heavy heart that I say good-bye to two months after our wedding.
But all is not lost as this fun and spunky lady has another blog at and it's just as good as the first one.

Peaceful Sunday

Sunday, January 17, 2010

To the pack of Centaurs that live in Apt. 310

We've been good neighbors. We don't take up more than one parking space in the lot. We've never called you out when you pour your old nasty drink on to our deck. Nor have we ever said anything to you when you smoke pot on your deck and it drifts down into our apartment and makes me so ill that I have to lay down in order to keep from vomiting.
But the noise that started this morning at 1:30 AM and continued until Noon, can never happen again. I understand that it was a Saturday night, that you all are in you early twenties, and that you are Centaurs but you need to have some common decency for your fellow apartment dwellers.
Now since you were in the moment and living it up while your festival was happening I made you a list of everything that we heard through our ceiling. I only hope that I didn't leave anything out.
  1. One of you was building a life size replica of Noah's Ark, keeping in mind to leave room for the Unicorns.
  2. There was an off Broadway production of STOMP.
  3. A full 12 man steel drum band showed up and began to play The Best of Air Supply.
  4. Two full games of Midget Tossing.
  5. Seven rounds of Bum Fights.
  6. A very lively discussion about whether or not Smurfette laid eggs or had live births.
  7. The Pepsi challenge that turned into a dance off.

Now with all of that there were also some some of you decided that you wanted to test your dramatic efforts and the following renactments happen:

  1. The classic Wrestlemania match where Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre' the Giant
  2. The Tyson vs. Hollifield fight where Mike got all bite-y
  3. The full 2002 Hawkeye football season
  4. The St. Valentine's Day Massacre
  5. The lame part of Flashdance where the stripper/welder has all of that water dumped on her.
  6. Sally Fields speech from Norma Rea
  7. Some of you were Jets and some of you were Sharks
  8. The battle of Sterling
  9. The L.A. Riots (which was my personal favorite)

As entertaing as all of this was I must be honest and say that I didn't enjoy my end of it, if this happens again I'm going to call the Po-po and then you will have to live with the shame of being the first Centaurs arrested for being dicks.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Did the bride really wear black?

Me being goofy with my curly hair. Bless my poor mother's heart, she tamed the beast that is my hair.
Our cupcakes, they were so yummy and cheapie cheap cheap. $12.43 for 30 from Sam's club.

We ended up with a ton of photos of feet. :)

Us actually getting married. From left to right: Erik's brother & best man Brian, Erik, Me, and
Erik's other best man/ stand-in Maid of honor Delayne.

I felt the need to post some wedding photos.